The Greatest Story Ever Told
by whoresphere
Summary: What would happen if Harry Potter and Captain Picard met? And The Power Rangers? And would they save the world or doom it? And? What about Alf? This story answers all of those questions and more to be the greatest story ever told
1. Chapter 1

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well. "

-Voltaire

**Chapter 1**

Harry Potter and the Power Rangers found themselves, suddenly, by a flash of green light from a particle transponder, on the main deck of the Enterprise (Next Generation version).

"Oh Shit!" exclaimed Captain Picard, jumping to the side of his space-chair and fingering his phaser sincerely.

Data, unsurprised as usual, waved to the stowaways. There was nobody else in the chamber at that moment because they were out getting lunch.

Harry Potter whipped his wand out of his pants and aimed it, alternating between Captain Picard, Data, and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. The Power Rangers somersaulted and cartwheeled to strategic places around the consoles in the room, making ineffective, but cool-looking pseudo-martial-arts poses.

Captain Picard stopped fingering his blaster and attempted to draw order, "Listen: I don't know what's going on here, but unless you want trouble, you better tell me right now what's going on here! Buddies?"

"Buddies," Harry said, shortly, but not very trustworthily. Harry's real buddies were far away, the thought as he stared at outer space through the observation windshield.

"Buddies," said the black ranger – the red one who was actually a black person (red is the highest-ranking color).

"Buddies," said Data, "Or at least buddies you all will be when you all find out why I have brought you all here!"

Everyone except Data, the power rangers, and Harry Potter gasped.

"Let me show you a little something, hmm?" Data entered some codes into the mainframe and pushed some buttons. All of a sudden, the viewing screen suddenly came up, revealing what appeared to be an ordinary suburban house. Except inside this house was an extra-terrestrial alien lifeform – ALF.

Everyone was shocked at the repugnant sight of this creature. The power rangers cut their poses, and they all strode closer to the viewing screen to get a look.

"Shit," said Capt. Picard, "Looks like it's this piece of shit again."

The power ranger looked amongst themselves and shrugged. Harry Potter put his and on the good Captain's shoulder and whispered in his ear in a moist, hot breath, "Who – what exactly is that?"

The captain met Harry's bright green eyes and looked down at the floor, blushing.

"That's Alf. He's a scourge of every sector of space, and a piece of shit on top of it. He's a cat-eater."

Picard's fists clenched, knuckles whitened he finally met Harry's gaze, "He even ate mine!"

Harry stifled his laughter at the thought of this handsome old man's pussy being eaten.

There was an explosion. The enterprise shook, and everyone stumbled. Alf was staring at them all, coldly, without end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

100 Gibilion lightyears away...

By frills & a split feather, Voltaire penned his signature in the heavy flicker of a dying candle. His body hunched - the mark of a weary man, not especially old, but tired throughout. He tried to regain his posture once more - maybe the final joke would come to him in postscript - but his spine crunched, and he heaved forward like a beached whale - "Such burdens borne by this prison..." A breeze blew through. The room was black. He covered the inkwell that it may not dry, covered himself that he may not freeze, and covered his eyes that he may not see - merely sleep until the next morning called.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Back 100 Gibillion lightyears...

"Oh Shit!" Captain Picard said, gripping his space seat! "What was that?"

Data pointed, "It came from the pool room!"

"Swimming or billiards?" Picard asked gravely.

"Swimming."

Picard looked at Harry longingly, whom was stupefied, then brought his palms to his temple, murmuring "Shiiiiiit," sweetly.

"Captain!" Harry puffed his chest out, "I'll go check out whatever's going on in there."

That's when Harry dropped his wand by accident. They both went to grab it and their hands touched in a cute way.

"Sorry," said Picard.

"Sorry," said Harry.

"But wait," Captain Picard stammered, "you can't go! It's too dangerous and you're far too important to me!"

Harry gave Captain Picard a gentle peck on the head.

"I'll be back... buddy." He tussled the hair that the Captain would have if he wasn't bald and shouted the invocation, "Transporto homo!"

Harry was in the pool room.

The pool was full of water -illuminated by those circular underwater lamps. Lounge chairs and inner tubes surrounded the edges of the water - by the no running signs painted on the patio. But there was not a soul around, save Harry, who noticed just how alone he was just then.

"This must be the work of Voldemort," Harry said to himself out loud. He got down on his hands and knees and started scrounging for clues. But just then, Harry felt a strange feeling. It was as if his bottom had just been touched! All of a sudden his anus was sore! But it was no distraction for Harry: he saw something moving with the circulating currents in the pool: a big, giant turd. His jaw dropped. Shocked, his wand fell straight into the water.

Harry gulped and reached for his wand, but it was too late! It was a tad too far out into the water. He lunged - and the splash from his hand spun the wand; its tip struck the mighty turd and it stuck the side of it. Looking left and right, Harry realized there was no other way, so he leapt into the pool and nabbed his wand. But once he had swum to the side and hoisted himself up, he noticed the turd was still stuck on the tip of his wand. He tried to scrape the poo off his wand on the side of the pool, but when Harry tugged, he slipped because his shoes were wet. The turd went whirling through the air, and not a moment after Harry had landed on his back, the turd landed on his face. Harry, panicked and thinking it was a large beetle, swatted at it. This smeared the poop all over his hands and face. Harry scrambled up. The turd, mushed and soggy like a squashed frog, fell to the floor, and in his confusion, Harry slipped and fell on it! This time, however, he was unable to get back up. The slimy turd was so rolled out like and omnipresent, like a soggy, slimy pizza crust before baking, that wherever Harry's limbs fell they met the fetid goop! He couldn't get a grip on anything, so he just wallowed in it like a pig in a sty for a minute. but then Harry remembered his special powers: He was a parseltongue, so he just slithered out of the soupy poop mess to safety - to the intercom! He must warn the others not to swim in the pool!

"Captain!" harry shouted, leaving a brown, stinky fingerprint on the intercom button.

"Harry!" a relieved voice called back.

"Captain, it appears somebody has shit in the pool, here."

"Shit."

There was a silence.

"Wait: Harry... we don't have a pool"

Harry turned around. There was no pool, just a turd, a mashed turd, slither tracks in the poop, turd angels all over the floor, but certainly no pool. All of a sudden, dripping, Harry licked his lips. He felt pretty shitty.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

100 Gibillion lightyears away...

Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa swung his brass telescope to the far stars and waited. Venus scratched into a tabletop pentacle, encircled by industrious candles, Agrippa waited. By wit and by wile he would wait, and in doing so he lived a learned and content life. He wore the tassels of a doctor of Laws and Physick, became an expert of all knowledges. Maxima cum laude, he would shine a beacon of wisdom to an age of darkness. And when the wretches were in the chair, or the pear had been placed and twisted, or they hung upside down and refused to spill, he would point out the incisions to be made where exsanguination would be least pleasant, and heave the buckets on his shoulders himself to be stored among the blood of lambs, goats, and pigs – separate, but equal. And in his dying his black dog would spring from his side and bark at the slow turn of Jupiter, running over reeds and stumps – mud soaking his paws would he run. Ley lines shone in brevity when the dog lept back, returning like a devil through the window to bark to master, "This was your walk!"

He snarled and howled, frothing from the mouth, "To understand the mysterious influences of the intellectuall world upon the Celestial, and of both upon the Terrestiall; and to know how to dispose, and fit our selves so, as to be capable of receiving those superiour operations, whereby we may be enabled to operate wonderfull things, which indeed seem impossible, or at least unlawfull..."

The dog mocked Agrippa, sickness dribbling between his teeth at each word – each of his own words.

"So," Agrippa gasped, "You would not have me die happy? Just this one thing more to do?"

CANIS DENTES FULGEBAT SICUT MARGARITAE.

CANIS INQUIT, "HOC FACIENDUM SACRI ROMANI IMPERII POPULI."

"Well then..." Agrippa, standing, folded up the blankets on his bed, "... Just this one thing."

The black dog, head cocked and panting, bifurcated tongue splayed across his teeth, wagged his tail with immense pleasure.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Transporto Homo!" shouted Harry, and suddenly he was back on the main deck of the enterprise. The power rangers were pretty surprised by this, and started doing cartwheels again. Captain Picard Jumped out of his space-chair and wrapped his arms around Harry.

"I thought you were gone..." He whimpered. Then he sniffed the air. "Oh shit! Harry you're covered in shit!"

Harry was truly covered in shit.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Data made Harry go to the decontamination room to take a bath. The power rangers went to bed, as did Harry after his bath, reeling, anxious, nervous, because of the inspirational speech Captain Picard had given after Harry went to and came back from the pool room. He had said, "Ladies and gentlemen; Shit. We don't know what kind of tricks Alf has up his sleeve, but we're the best of the best. Even though I don't know you all that well," he winked at Harry, "I'd like to get to know you better, and I'm sure that we, being the buddies of the enterprise will make the best team ever! Anyway.. Alf is a menace and cannot be allowed to continue to eat pussies in any section of space anymore at all. That's why he's got to go down! And we're going to be the ones to go down on him! He's going to be given such a pounding that he'll either give up altogether or have no choice but to suck it all up and let us push on through. It's his choice, but either way he's got to be the one to take it. But he's not going to just let us have our way with him. Expect resistance. Alf's going to put up one hell of a fight, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't going to be rough and, as Harry has shown us, dirty."

Captain Picard's speech went on longer. It involved battle plans such as nuking the Earth, because when Alf is the target, it does not matter how great the collateral damage was.

"That was a very inspirational speech," the black red ranger said to his compatriots. They all agreed. "it is too bad we all have to share this one bed. Who knows what could happen!" The yellow ranger said.

"Shhh," Captain Picard began, "iiit..." He was snoring, in deep sleep. Harry put his arm around the good Captain and snuggled to his back. Harry liked being the big spoon. Besides, they were going to have a big day tomorrow. Harry dreamed his parents were still alive.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Sails set, and catching a light wind, Ernest Hemingway, one eye shut, peered down the barrel of his favorite Remington. One foot upon the rails, he had a candid lean over the bow, observing the aquatic life in the shimmers and glancing waves of the cool salty water.

Boom! There was a splash, followed by an emphatic, "Fuck you, fish!"

Hemingway slung his shotgun and chucked to himself before drinking half a flask of brandy. He looked out toward the sunset, drizzling onto the water like a lemon into long island ice tea. He drank the other half and threw his sixth empty flask of the day into the ocean. 'I could be shooting exotic animals right now, but I'm stuck shooting plain, old, boring fish' Hemingway pouted to himself, crossing his giant arms.

"Maybe those Spanish fucks 'll start a war."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter** 8**

They all woke up the next morning: sticky, and with nobody quite sure why. Captain Picard claimed it had something to do with the humidity. Everybody went back to the command center, and Data made a fresh pot of coffee. Then it was time to track down Alf to stop him once and for all from his evil ways. They turned on the hyperdrive and zoomed into an orbit around the Earth – just the place a piece of shit like Alf might hide.

Data tried using the computer to pinpoint Alf's location, but he couldn't.

"I can't pinpoint his location!" Data said, with a frustrated smack to the console.

"Well then we'll have to nuke the earth."

Harry ran over to Picard, and flung his arms around him, bawling. "You can't! My friends are down there!" Captain Picard and Harry exchanged a really wet and passionate kiss. Picard's tongue explored Harry's mouth like a blind snail and harry gasped and opened his eyes really wide as if he was surprised. His glasses started fogging up, and suddenly he felt Captain Picard's big, cold, wrinkly hands moving up his robes to caress his nipples. Then Captain Picard started caressing his nipples. Harry gasped at this pleasurable sensation. He was electrified by the sensuality and delicate care Captain Picard gave every tweak to Harry's puffy pink nipples.

"Is that your wand in there or are you just happy to see me?" Captain Picard smirked coyly and started massaging Harry's crotch with his other hands. Harry tried to speak, but he couldn't because everything was just too hot and he couldn't focus.

The red black ranger coughed and the spell was suddenly broken. Harry and Captain Picard were more than a little embarrassed to be caught in the act.

"Oh Shit," said Captain Picard, accidentally hitting the 'release nukes' button. Immediately, the surface of the Earth was covered in mushroom clouds. Life was, according to Data reduced by a margin of 98.99%. You could see tears behind the visors of the power rangers. And then Captain Picard said, "Let's go down there and see if we can see any life." So they did.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

In a ramshakle house, beams splintered and walls destroyed, they saw Alf standing there. Behind the kitchen counter.

"Hey, how are could you alive?" said Captain Picard. Alf just smiled by crinkling his snout and showing off that one faggot tooth he has. He sat his hands down on the kitchen counter and started drumming his fingertips on the surface. Captain Picard took out his laser gun and pointed to Alf. "Listen Here! This is going to be the end now... or else!"

"Fuck you, you greedy kike," Alf shrieked.

"What'd you just say?"

"I said, 'why don't you go suck down a bagel', you Heeb!

Captain Picard was angry, and somewhat confused by Alf's anti-semetism.

The power rangers decided now was the time for action, so the yellow one and the green one grabbed the red one's feet. The blue and purple ones grabbed the arms, and as they all clung tightly to the red one, it became quite clear what exactly was going on.

"What's going on?" Harry whispered to Captain Picard.

"We just combined into the megazord!" the megazord yelled. Then Harry Potter put the tip of his wand between his lips. Captain Picard wiped the sweat from his hands on his thighs. He aimed his gun at Alf and was about to pull the trigger, but didn't yet. Harry and the power rangers were also ready to fight, but not yet. It was suspenseful.

Then Alf ate a cat and it was all over. Captain Picard shot him right in the chest. The Megazord fired lasers all over him and Harry Potter cast a spell but fucked up.

"Shit," said Captain Picard, because Alf was still there, behind the kitchen counter. It was pretty surprising.

"Hey you JIDF kikey bastards: HIT ME!" Alf growled like a badger. Captain Picard shook his fist and threw his space gun back.

"There's nothing we can do! He's too powerful!"

Alf laughed and drank a cup of milk.

"Wait," said Harry, "Did you see that? He didn't actually drink that, it just kind of dribbled down his chin." Just then, the cat Alf had eaten walked out from behind the counter.

"I fucking drank it allright," Alf roared, "And it sure wasn't kosher." Alf rubbed his hands together but it was more like he just rubbed one on top of the other. Something clicked in Harry's head.

"Alf, you're not really and alien."

"Fuck yes I am, you get your yamaka out of your eyes."

"Why can't you eat anything, then? You just put it in your mouth and let it fall out."

Alf started shaking a little bit.

Captain Picard's mouth was open.

"Fuck you," Alf said, getting increasingly more desperate and defensive, "I'm real!"

Harry replied, "Then come out from behind that counter."

"Fine," said alf, and he came out from behind the counter. It was finally revealed -Alf had no legs – instead a hairy arm went up into his torso.

"What the fuck is this?" Alf screamed, looking at his lower half.

"I'm sorry," said Harry, "You're just a puppet."

Alf started spinning wildly – faster and faster. The arm jammed into his torso suddenly pulled out and wiped its fingers on his pants – then in a flash of white light was gone. Alf rose up into the air. Fur started flying off and there was a sounding like the striking of a great bell and thunder in reverse. **Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronnt uonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk ! **Alf then turned inside out and disintegrated. It was Captain Picard, looking over the desolate Earth, seeing the wreckage of buildings – the blackened charcoal skeletons of mothers holding babies – seeing what their enterprise had really cost them all, who broke the silence.

"Shit."


	10. Book 2, Chapter 1

**BOOK 2**

**Chapter 1**

So, Beowulf was on the hunt again: this time, however hungry, his prey could not escape. He had tortuously tracked the tremendous sea-serpent down to the coast of a tiny island. He could see its inky black form inching in the ill-lit depths below. He gazed at his glaive in hand, "Not good, that this giant weapon could burden my gait." He threw it thither onto the sand and lept therin into the cold thin-iced water. The sea serpent, he supposed, was large; But as he swam swifter and closer, he came to see it was surely some twenty steps or more. At least, he thought, it's not poisonous, noting the pattern of its segmented pale yellow and black stripes.

It sensed his spirit and swatted with a swipe of its tail! "Oh, Fuck me!" Beowulf bellowed, but below water it was just bubbles. He supposed then that this was a sword-tailed serpent. They pick up the pieces of fallen warriors piecemeal with their prehensile tails and wield them as weapons. Beowulf knew he must use all his cunning and fervor to fight this fierce foe. Therefore, he punched it right in the fucking face. It twisted, blinked blankly a few times, and drooped mouth as if to say, "What the fuck, man?" Beowulf punched it yet again: Right in the fucking face. It probably hurt a lot. The sore serpent was severely stunned. At this time, Beowulf attenuated he was almost at the end of his air. He could only conserve his breath for coming on twelve miniutes. He knew while the serpent was shocked he could swim to the surface, but now, here it reared, his one regal chance sans retreat to do this monster in. He weighed his options warily, and decided to carry on, without wondering about the risk.

He started moving his hand up the serpent's body – combing the scales backward until he found its spot most vulnerable to penetration. Then Beowulf- mighty cock in hand, began to fuck that terrifying sea-serpent up the butt. The serpent writhed in pain and a sort of reptillian homophobia. Beowulf just kept fucking forcefully, further enraging the furious foe. But at last through the langour it had lashed out its last. It was defeated. It looked back at Beowulf before swimming far, far away. He was much too embarrassed to ever harrass the seaside villiage again.

But this is when Beowulf began to choke. He could tell by the sun's position in the sky above that he had been below the surface for eleven minutes and thierty-eight seconds. Beowulf might drown! Oh no! He looked up. He would never have enough time to swim straight up to the surface. He scanned the murky area, for a grotto or air pocket. There was naught to be found. O, What a way to die, Beowulf thought. This is some major fucking bullshit. I should have fucked that serpent on land. That would have been smarter. Just then, Beowulf saw an eel swim by. He snatched it with great fortune – held it to his lips and twisted it like a dishrag. He wrung all the sweet air out of it, and breathed it in. Now he was ready to make the swim back to the surface. When he reached the top, he heard a deep voice say, "Who the hell are you?"

Beowulf looked up and saw, standing on a boat, a slightly sunburned man, stout, hair, and muscular. He had sandles with white cotton socks that went up to his knees. They were the only bits of clothing on his body besides a bleached pair of tight, white underwear and a full, bushy beard. With a burning cigar in one side of his mouth and the neck of some scotch whiskey in the other, one couldn't quite tell how he said the following, "Hello. I'm Ernest Hemingway, slayer of exotic animals and all around bad-ass"

"I'm Beowulf, sodomizer of forgotten monsters and all around bad-ass."

"Ha!" Hemingway laughed, "I like the cut of your jib (no homo) let me give you a lift to land."

Hemingway threw his heavy, calloused hand out. Beowulf took it and was hoisted from the water below. They didn't know it then, but Hemingway and Beowul were about to become the best of friends and go on many adventures together.


	11. Book 2, Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The courier burst into Gandalf's room.

"Gandalf! Gandalf! An urgent letter for you!"

"Let's see this message, son," Gandalf motioned the courier over and continued straightening his hair. He opened the letter: its contents herein:

"Zounds!" said Gandalf, now putting on his mascara. "Who is this from?"

"It's Merlin, sir. He dropped it off at the door and then ran away and hid behind a bush."

"And what's this black material on the edging?"

Gandalf sniffed it and winced.

"It's poopie!" He shouted, sniffing it again, "It's _ghoul _poopie."

Gandalf put down his cosmetics and started crying. He had been letter-bullied for so long now and everything seemed hopeless. Almost every day he'd get something offensive in the mail from either Merlin, Houdini, or David Blaine. It was time for him to stand up for himself. He began to smile as a plan began to hatch in his head that began to wrinkle.

"Send a message, courier, to the wizard towers of Merlin, Houdini, and David Blaine. I am going to organize a contest of the arcane, and we'll see whose sorcery is truly the biggest."

"Okay." said the courier.

It was two weeks later that the wizard contest was in full swing. Gandalf had managed to reserve half the basketball court of the YMCA, and there were many decorations such as candles, streamers, fog machines, silly string, different colored lights, a DJ who only played songs loosely related to magic (Black Magic Woman, Superstitious, etc.)

Everyone was there. It was a pretty big deal. Gandalf's contest of conjuring and fall harvest hoedown was the biggest thing going on in the tri-state area. Of course, the high school girl's basketball team was practicing on the other side of the court. They had a big meet coming up, and they were pretty dead set on making it to states that year.

Gandalf was standing over by the punch bowl. Merlin came over to get a glass.

"Gandalf, this was a great idea," Merlin said, motioning to the young females vigorously playing basketball as much as you can when you can't dunk. "You see the thing I love about high-school girls is the fact that I keep getting older... and they turn into lambs, _BOOM!_" And then suddenly the girls' basketball team were sheep. The basketball, having just been tossed, came back down and knocked one of them over. She began bleeting wildly, probably because now they would _never_make it to states.

"God damnit Merlin, why are you always such a dick? Screw the festivities, let's just have our contest right now!"

Gandalf, Merlin, Houdini, and David Blaine lined up together and whipped out their auras to see whos was biggest. Gandalf had a pretty average sized aura. Houdini's was pretty small, but he tried to convince eeryone it was better since it wasn't so big it would interfere with his death-defying escapes. David Blaine's aura was the biggest so far, but it was shaped funny so everyone laughed. Merlin's was just a tad bit shorter than Gandalfs, but he said it was cold and he'd need a minute (He was a grower, not a shower). He started slapping and twisting it, staring lewdly at the sheep basketball team.

Suddenly they all felt an aura bigger than any they had ever touched before. It crept into their mouth and ears and subdued their senses. Merlin shouted, "This aura's even bigger than the one that African Shaman had!" This stranger then zipped up his aura. Everyone's butt was suddenly sore. With one hand he waved his magic .45 ACP and with the other he took off his sunglasses.

"Hello, Boys," said Harry Potter.


	12. Book 2, Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

MINUTES BEFORE...

"There's something wrong... still..." Harry continued stammering. "Even though we nuked the Earth and sent Alf away, there's still something wrong." Harry was wearing a brown leather trenchcoat and sunglasses, as if suggesting he had become more experienced and bad-ass than when he was first introduced. He kept going, "And oh, boy, I've seen some shit." Harry had a flash-back. "I've been in some shit too." He kept having that flashback. "Man I was deep in the shit... rolling around in the shit... and before you ask, no it wasn't '_Nam_. It was about a thousand times worse. At least we actually had a pool in 'Nam." Harry puffed on his cigarillo a few times. "And things are only going to get worse from here. I've got a bad feeling. Have you ever been to the asshole of the universe? I have. Have you had to cope with losing everyone you've ever loved?" Harry opened his gold locket and ran a finger along the photographed cheek of his beloved Jean Luc, "Because I have." He winced, taking a sip of rotgut from his silver flask.

"Can I go watch my sister play?" asked the four-year-old girl Harry was barraging with bad memories, "They're hoping to go to states this year."

Harry let go of her pigtails, nodding. It was time to do this. He walked into the gymnasium and took off his sunglasses. "Hello, Boys," said Harry Potter. And then he was a sheep.

Merlin laughed and laughed and laughed.


End file.
